“Don't Worry
I'll Catch You”

Lady of Sunshine

“It’s all in my head. It’s in my… All I’ve ever been to myself is my own enemy.

I wish I could step through time with every experience I carry with myself. Perfect ending, perfect story. I’m seven years battered and worn. I hate that it still resonates in me.

You’ll always be my foundation. But how much of you is real? How much of you did they steal?

2009

“Some part of us will always yearn to be immersed, captivated and entranced by just one thing, to the point that the world and all its dancing diversions grows dim, fades and falls away.

I’m a little behind on this with everyone already posting their yearly recaps, but I wanted to wait to make sure I knew what I wanted to say about this year. This year has been full of ups and downs, and it’s trickled ever so slightly into 2010. It’s difficult to summarize my feelings on the past year, there was so much emotion on both ends of the spectrum. I experienced some new joys I never thought I would, and I will always hold those close to my heart and be grateful for having those moments. But I’ve also experienced and witnessed things around and in myself that were some of the lowest moments in my life.

I find it fitting some of the biggest catalysts in my life appeared in 2009, the end of a decade. 2010—as cliche as it may sound—feels like a breathe of fresh air that is slowly getting crisper. My life has almost come full circle, I’m landing on a platform that I had envisioned in early 2000 when I was still in high school and dreaming about so many possibilities. The biggest accomplishment I made this past year was to finally decide to stop ignoring some old, but good ideas. I’ve had to sacrifice so much to reach this point, and as much suffering as I endured I wouldn’t change the outcome. It’s important to me that I am where I am.

2010 is the start of a new decade, another adventure. I’m beyond excited and nervous at the same time. I feel like this is going to be the start of something great, a part of my life that was forgotten but kept safe all this time. I’m optimistic about looking back on this moment and regretting nothing.

2009 was difficult, but it had some great memories. I want to remember some of the better ones, the snapshots of life where everything felt right. I’m happy to be able to sit here and think about so many good moments. These are some of the ones that stick out in my mind:

• The Ocean – There are a lot of little things I’ve missed out on in life being an Army brat. But I finally got to see the ocean and visit a beach for the first time in my life. The feeling of calm that came over my mind the moment I stepped onto the sand and saw the endless miles of water in front of me was truly breathtaking. Ever since that moment my mentality about the seasons have changed. Winter is no longer my favorite season, and I dream of the day I live in a beach community. I will be back and staying a lot longer this time.
• Actors Theatre of Louisville – One of my favorite things to do in Louisville, but I probably will never go back. As amazing as it is, it will always be a memory shared with another and would never be the same. But I prefer it that way. I saw two incredible plays that year, Shipwrecked! and Through the Looking Glass. The plays were absolutely amazing and they seemed to project a sense of serenity that flowed into the rest of the night, making them always perfect. And I’ll never forget the night we saw Shipwrecked! and were driving home when we witnessed the most surreal traffic we’d ever seen on the interstate. Somehow it made the night better, a testament about how good that night was.
• First House – Sure, it’s a rental, and sure, the walls hold mixed memories, but I’m happy to say that after living a life full of apartments and friend’s couches I had a house to call my own. It was a pleasant house in a very nice neighborhood, and I consider it a reflection of the progress I’ve made in a short amount of time.
• Louisville Bats – Maybe the most fun I’ve had on a consistent basis publicly intoxicated :D. There’s nothing quite like the camaraderie of a group of people looking for nothing more than to heckle and yell. Seeing a Bats game may be the best seven dollars I’ll ever spend and I don’t even enjoy Baseball.
• Old Friendships – Just as my new friendships were already flaming out, I rekindled many old friendships that had been dormant for too long. And in almost every case, we were able to pick up right where we left off without skipping a beat: evidence of a friend for life. I missed being able to connect with someone who understands where I came from and how I’ve changed. I’m able to see those changes in their eyes. The time between our gatherings is unfortunate, but without it I would never have had these moments. I look forward to getting back in touch with more people that have fallen out of my life.
• Health – If you’ve known me for a long time, and some of you longer than that, you will know of my struggles with my health. It all stemmed from a very unhealthy lifestyle as a young teen and a split second decision that would impact me for the rest of my life. I’ve always been conscious of my health and lifestyle to an extreme level, and it’s affected multiple elements in my life for better and worse. But I know it’s important to me, and the end result always makes me happy. This year my training has been up and down, but these last four months I buckled down. I no longer recognize the person I see in the mirror; I’ve never been in such great shape in my entire life. The change from where I stand now to what I used to be is incredible and I’m proud that I am able to be that disciplined in that part of my life.
• Trolley Hop – It was only one night, but to me it was one of the few moments I felt like I was building towards something bigger than myself: a family. It’s hard to rationalize or explain, but that night I felt something new. I look forward to experiencing that feeling again wherever it may come from.
• The Early Months – They were filled with home made lunches with notes and cookies, flowers, road trips, more text messages than I can count, reading in bed, laying on the couch with favorite shows, old and new friends, walks in the park, sleeping for two, paper clip wrapping paper, and many days characterized by laughter and an easy, restful mind. They were good times, I’m glad I was fortunate enough to be a character in that portion of the story.

Those are only a few moments I care to share, the rest is for me. I’m glad I have these memories to look back on in 2009, and I look forward to even bigger and better ones for 2010. I feel like things are just beginning—what a wonderful feeling.

Sunglasses and a First Kiss

“I sank into the sea
Wrapped in piano strings
Few words could open me
But you knew them all

I just sleep beneath your floor
My ghost just tries to keep you warm
I’ve seen the end, I’ve lost the war
One day you’re 20 years just like the rain

Opening my mind up in hopes it will stay that way. These lyrics are for an aberration. Someone who I never will stop thinking about. Two incredibly different lives constructed by time lost and bad timing. I have always been stubborn, so I refuse to forget even if I’m beginning to lose the number of years that have passed too soon. It’s important that I don’t for different reasons.

Obviously nothing is the same, time made sure of that. But I still have a fondness for our time, and how it has shaped so many aspects of my life. We as a people have a tendency to only remember the good times when reminiscing, it twist and changes the facts. But this time, I think I will choose to remember only the good times because for a short period that was the reality. It’s a small lie, but that is how I want it to stay. I want more good in my life.

I hope one day you eventually read this, and I hope you are doing well.